Restless..

Last night I just couldn't sit still.

Nothing on tv was interesting, I didn't want to read, didn't want to be on the computer. I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I went to bed and lay in the dark for hours and hours.

I had my hand on my stomach and worried and wondered and questioned.

Could this cervix that had bore me two children with no problems, that WORKED properly, be about to make my world come crashing down? The words 'high grade squamous lesion' played over and over in my head like a stuck record.

Did you know squamous means scaley? Who knew? I thought it meant cancerous but no, it just means scaly. Like a lizard or a dragon or a snake.

I said to my husband last night that Im so glad its me. That I would take the worst case scenario as long as the universe keeps up its side of the bargain and my daughter never has another health problem until she is an old woman.

As I lay in bed I also started thinking bizarre thoughts like..I want to move house. Ever since we have been married and moved into this house our family has had health problems. Between my daughter, my husband and now me, its been a rollercoaster for the last few years.
Yep, if I move house it will change everything :p

I am refusing to talk to anyone about it. My Mum rings me with a false sing song cheer in her voice and it makes me want to bawl. Its 5 weeks until the colposcopy and then probably a couple of weeks until I get the results back.

I KNOW I'm being obsessive and ridiculous. I am sure everything will be fine.

But lying awake at night, not being able to switch of my mind, I cant help the thoughts that pop into my head.

Craziness abounds...

So things have been a bit stressful around here of late.

I blame the heat, the economy, the crazy notion that taking two kids away on holiday would be relaxing..Madness I tell you, madness!

What I would really like is just a couple of hours a day to myself when I can just veg, read a book, stare at the ceiling, contemplate my naval, you know, important stuff, without someone AT me about something.

I told my kids I am changing my name to supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and would only answer to that when accompanied by a series of high kicks and the running man.
Damn husband taught the little blighters how to do it didn't he and then had the gall to lay on the couch with a smug grin while the spawns followed me around the house screaming it at the top of their lungs while doing maniac boy band'esque dance moves.

I could do my 'nothing' while the spawns are having their afternoon nap and I admit I DO have a lie down now and then (well, every afternoon if Im being completely honest with you dear reader) but there is always that nagging voice in my head whispering 'dust, vacuum, clean the blinds, hang out the laundry etc etc'.
I can normally silence that bitch with a swift karate chop to the throat and a couple of scorched almonds but shes never completely gone and I can picture her looking at me accusingly while she limps back to the recesses of my brain.

My friend thinks all us 'modern young women' must be out of our minds with stress just trying to keep up with life. God love her, shes a child of the 60's and swears by transcendental meditation and a good spliff. Maybe shes right, I should just get some whale music and pot and call it good.

Either that or hire a nanny, chef, cleaner, chauffeur, personal assistant, Pool boy (Hellloooooooo Paulo!) and laundry maid.

Good idea.

Dr's appointments, specialists, waiting, stressing, here we go again..

So.

Millie has had two seizures in the last couple of months. The last one, last week, she fell off her chair face first onto the ground.
That was pretty scary, she bit a chunk out of her tongue poor mite.
Both were while she was sick but that brings the total up to around 11 seizures in about 3 years. Too many for them to just say febrile convulsions with a swish of their hands.

Sigh...

We have been referred back to Dr Antony (Top pediatric neurologist) who she saw for her ptosis, have to have another EEG done with another Dr in Lindfield, a metabolic urine screen to rule out any other weirdo nasty sydndromes and then hopefully, hopefully we will be done with Drs.

I am praying in a way that they say she has Epilepsy because if so, we have a diagnosis and its done.
Im still super worried and cant help imagining all sorts of scary scenarios. Her pupil sizes have been quite differant of late and Im sure some Dr at some stage said thats to do with her ptosis but I am still so paranoid its giving me stomach ulcers.

We are all almost over this dreaded bott that seems to have taken us all out for the count. Millie and I still have a pack a day cough each which is driving everyone crazy. Thanks very much pilgrims, please keep your religious fervour and consumption away from my family and I please?

Thankyou.

Damn Im tired...

Why is it that the end of the year sees me rendered unconscious by 8.00 pm every night?
Really, as a stay at home mum or as I prefer to be called, domestic goddess, one day pretty much blends in to the next so it seems strange that I am so bloody buggared come Xmas.
I can hardly blame the festive carousing that used to happen pre spawns of Satan, the most exciting night out for me these days is a stroll around the block to look at the Xmas lights. Considering it doesn't get dark here until 8.30pm and I make the kids do an olympic style speed walk to make sure they stick to their schedules and are in bed by 7.30, it does seem kind of pointless. Nevertheless, routines are there for a reason right? ...right?

Spawn #1: But Mummy, I cant see any lights?
Me: well, its because its not dark silly billy
Spawn #1: So why are we going for a walk to look at the lights?
Me: Shut up and eat your no sugar, no fat, no taste soy icecream

Schedules, Routines, Timetables, must stick to them, musnt get kids out of whack, cant let them stay up and eat shit or they'll be a mess tomorrow, stress stress stress

No wonder Im bloody exhausted.