Last night I just couldn't sit still.
Nothing on tv was interesting, I didn't want to read, didn't want to be on the computer. I just didn't know what to do with myself.
I went to bed and lay in the dark for hours and hours.
I had my hand on my stomach and worried and wondered and questioned.
Could this cervix that had bore me two children with no problems, that WORKED properly, be about to make my world come crashing down? The words 'high grade squamous lesion' played over and over in my head like a stuck record.
Did you know squamous means scaley? Who knew? I thought it meant cancerous but no, it just means scaly. Like a lizard or a dragon or a snake.
I said to my husband last night that Im so glad its me. That I would take the worst case scenario as long as the universe keeps up its side of the bargain and my daughter never has another health problem until she is an old woman.
As I lay in bed I also started thinking bizarre thoughts like..I want to move house. Ever since we have been married and moved into this house our family has had health problems. Between my daughter, my husband and now me, its been a rollercoaster for the last few years.
Yep, if I move house it will change everything :p
I am refusing to talk to anyone about it. My Mum rings me with a false sing song cheer in her voice and it makes me want to bawl. Its 5 weeks until the colposcopy and then probably a couple of weeks until I get the results back.
I KNOW I'm being obsessive and ridiculous. I am sure everything will be fine.
But lying awake at night, not being able to switch of my mind, I cant help the thoughts that pop into my head.