Restless..

Last night I just couldn't sit still.

Nothing on tv was interesting, I didn't want to read, didn't want to be on the computer. I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I went to bed and lay in the dark for hours and hours.

I had my hand on my stomach and worried and wondered and questioned.

Could this cervix that had bore me two children with no problems, that WORKED properly, be about to make my world come crashing down? The words 'high grade squamous lesion' played over and over in my head like a stuck record.

Did you know squamous means scaley? Who knew? I thought it meant cancerous but no, it just means scaly. Like a lizard or a dragon or a snake.

I said to my husband last night that Im so glad its me. That I would take the worst case scenario as long as the universe keeps up its side of the bargain and my daughter never has another health problem until she is an old woman.

As I lay in bed I also started thinking bizarre thoughts like..I want to move house. Ever since we have been married and moved into this house our family has had health problems. Between my daughter, my husband and now me, its been a rollercoaster for the last few years.
Yep, if I move house it will change everything :p

I am refusing to talk to anyone about it. My Mum rings me with a false sing song cheer in her voice and it makes me want to bawl. Its 5 weeks until the colposcopy and then probably a couple of weeks until I get the results back.

I KNOW I'm being obsessive and ridiculous. I am sure everything will be fine.

But lying awake at night, not being able to switch of my mind, I cant help the thoughts that pop into my head.

When life kicks you in the nuts....

This is what gets me through..





We had our photos from Luisa back today. Just in time to remind me about all that is good in the world.

I feel for those that do not have a good relationship with their families, it is the most important thing in my life and I am very blessed to have great kids and husband, awesome parents and extended family.

Hug your kids tight and kiss them until they squeak, they wont be little for long.

Anxiety...

So I have a trip planned back home to see the family with the kids in a couple of weeks (10 sleeps actually, Spawn #1 and I counted this morning).
Its just me and the kiddos....in an airport...on a plane, no husband to lug stuff and do silly dances to get kids to eat (I find myself in a trance as he contorts, cartwheels and struts to amuse them myself actually!)

Im thinking of ordering some go go gadget arms on alchemy so I can boing them out to the other end of the boarding lounge as one child tries to go duty free shopping and the other sets up camp under a Japanese tourist's chair whilst still keeping an eye on the bags, car seat and balancing a mountain of snacks on my head sherpa style.

Once we are on the plane Im tossing up between Hannibal Lector type restraints for the 4 year old or a good ol dose of phenergan to just knock her out. The people in front will be so glad, she has great seat kicking abilities that one.
Number 2 will be safely stowed in the over head locker...wait..I mean buckled into her car seat so apart from shrieking like a banshee she wont be able to actually get up and try to open the door or anything.

At the other end Ive asked for some assistance to disembark and collect my luggage. Last time I travelled with just #1 on my own this was great, we had our very own airport 'official' (Read pervy old grandfather volunteer type that had his eyes on my, at the time, pregnant bousairs the whole time) It was worth putting up with the lecherous old trout to cut the queue.

I must ring up and organise that again and note to self...wear booby top on plane..

Putting things in perspective...

I read a blog today that ripped my heart open

The thought of something happening to your child, your flesh and blood, the baby that grew in your womb and gave birth to, is so frightening it can make you physically ill.

As I read the story of this man and his fight to save his daughter, my chest felt as if it was in a vice, my hands started to shake and sobs came from deep inside. So deep I thought I had forgotten them.

It has been quite a while since we had the all clear on Millie.

I remember the Dr coming out to see me still in his gown after they had given her an MRI to check for tumours. I was sitting on a spare chair in the reception of the surgical ward while I waited to see her in recovery (she had had an general anaesthetic) and he casually told me they would have to wait for a complete study but it looked to be all clear. I think my gutteral moan scared him. It was a release of tension that had gripped me for so long. I felt as though I had taken my first breath in over a year.

Lumbur punctures, EEG's, ultrasounds, MRI's, catheters, canulas, beeping drips full of saline and antibiotics...These are the sights and sounds of a parent that lays awake in a fold out bed next to their softly snoring child, praying desperatly to a god they dont believe in for something, someone to make it all right.
The despair and helplessness is overwhelming. As a parent, it is your duty to protect your child. When they are ill, you should be able to administer a pill, a potion, an incantation and make it right. The anger when you cannot almost consumes you.

I am still angry. Angry that I lost time with my daughter, that she had to got though so much, her little body poked and prodded. Angry that I bore the stress and knowledge while my husbands way of coping was to bury his head in the sand. Angry that I was angry at HER for being ill.

We are so so so lucky, the suspected neuroblastoma turned out to be nothing more than a congenital ptosis and some (many) febrile convulsions.

I have a friend whose child has a life threatening condition and I dont know how she copes day in day out. She is a marvel and I look up to her and admire her more than anyone I know.

It has been almost a year since Millies last seizure, every month that goes past I am thankful and when we hit that milestone I will, for some reason, feel like we can finally put this nightmare behind us.

I dont pray, I dont believe, but I want to lay down on the warm earth with my arms spread and thank the universe for Millies continuing good health and send healing energy To Michael Laws and Lucy.

Please (insert preferred diety here) cure this wee sprite, this tiny scrap of all that is good in this world. Let her parents have the good news and do the gutteral moan and freak out her doctor.

Please?

Watching the rain..

Just had to share this pic of my two from a couple of days ago.

I happened upon the two of them staring out the door into the rain...I guess its been a few days since they could get outside lol!